What's Love Got to do with It?

February 21, 2012

I hear from many quarters that you need to love yourself before anyone else can.  I know what "they" mean, I've even managed to understand it from time to time.  But it really is hard to maintain.  I've been overweight all of my life.  I went through phases of liking myself okay, but mostly I don't think I was that into me - ergo - fat.

Currently, I am going through a phase of actually liking me.  I'm excited about new adventures, I'm proud of the lovely woman that my daughter is, and yes I've given joy to my mother. Because of this I do take better care of me and it feels so good.

Everyone in my family has had weight issues.  I've noticed that stress (yucky times stress) makes it worse for us and I've also noticed that my brother, my sister, my mother and I don't like ourselves as much when we are heavy.  But we are all very accomplished, talented people so we should be embracing ourselves much more.

I think my mother, my daughter and I have some daddy issues.  My issues are that I adored my father beyond description.  He was a saint in my eyes and the foundation of my soul.  He died when I was 15 years old and to this day, I mourn the loss of this amazing man in my life.  I lost the one person that always made me feel beautiful and special and well I won't go into details of how that may have affected my eating habits and the way that I perceived myself - but I think you can imagine.

My mother's father was a talented charismatic man, who divorced her mother in the 1930's leaving her with 5 children.  He left the family for a younger woman and had another child.  My mother was a young teenager as well when this happened.  Lifestyle (having to walk everywhere) kept my mother thin most of her life, but you can imagine the self esteem issues that were hovering under the surface.  Of course, mom is of the generation that never questions why one feels bad so many of her issues stayed buried.  She was amazingly lucky meeting and loving my father, but the loss of him also took her on a sad roller coaster of loss and weight managment issues.

My darlin' daughter was abandoned by her father at the age of 2.  I am amazed most of the time how wonderfully she deals with that loss.  But it affects her in ways I'll never know and the hurt cuts deeply.  She fights the weight battles every now and then - but mostly she like the rest of us has to keep finding new ways to love herself.

It's that loving yourself that is the underlying issue.  It seems hard sometimes.  Do I deserve to even love myself?  Who am I to think that loving myself is so important.  A friend from Star Island, Lily, gave a sermon once about loving herself and how after a time of trial she decided that she loved herself so much that she married herself.  She had ceremonies of commitment and rituals of love to embrace the beauty that is truly Lily.   I was so inspired by that and would often think about the idea during the year I lost so much weight.  I am now on that road - perhaps when I'm 64 in 2013, I'll hold my own marriage ceremony and then I'll be able to answer yes to the question "Will you still love me when I'm 64?"

My friend Kiya wrote a song called "I love you" and I cry and smile every time I hear it.  I told her I thought it was one of the most beautiful love songs I've ever heard.  I think it makes me smile mostly because I know who Kiya is singing to and I am so happy for her that she has found such an amazing love in her life.  It really does make her whole.  But I also know that Kiya is someone that thinks enough of herself to have opened up for that love.  This is when I cry - will I ever love myself that much?  Will I ever love myself enough to know that I really can make life better for myself and for those around me and for the dear souls that I might meet along the way?

This journey of life is so incredible.  It is hard - but my darlin's keep on livin' it.  And remember in the immortal words of Auntie Mame:  "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death."  Funny that I love a quote related to food but heck go out and enjoy the banquet - Love yourself enough to rejoice in the variety of experiences.  Cause, Love has got everything to do with it.

Just a Thought
Babs